Wednesday, August 30, 2006

And when she was bad...

I've been a VERY good girl, lately. Yes, I have. I've gone to school, and done the reading, and paid attention when I just want to fall asleep. I have gone to bed when I'm told (most of the time), have stopped reading when I'm told, have taken my vitamin and worn my uniform, everything. I've been very good.

I'm afraid it won't last.

Not because I don't love my Daddy and want him to be proud of me and pleased with me. Cause I do. I couldn't do this if that weren't the foundation of my objectives. Just. Sometimes. Sometimes I like hearing him tell me no and not to misbehave, having him remind me what will happen if I do, having him punish me.

Sometimes, he's really good at this. Sometimes, he doesn't have the patience for my stupid little games. And when he doesn't, I get really frustrated. Like tonight, he wanted to make sure I did this little chore. Now, in all reality, it wasn't one of those game situations, I really did not want to go to the store and get stuff to make dinner, then come home and cook. It's shitty, and I'm tired and really, the part I don't think everyone understands about me yet, is that I find people exhausting. I'm around people all day, and not just regular people, but the most yappy, insipid, energy-leech types of people. I don't want to be around anyone when I get home, no less a packed grocery store.

I didn't want to leave the house, but I was willing to. I was willing to pick up some food at a local restaurant and bring it home to the ungrateful mouth I am feeding (who, heretofore, has yet to call me and tell me if I will be joined for dinner). Daddy said no, that I made a commitment and that I had to honor it. Now, he was against the commitment initially, and don't think I didn't hear the facetious edge and half-masked flippancy in that remark. Cause I did.

So I argued with him about it for a while. I tried to trade and bargain, to make promises, but he wasn't having it. Now I know I said I like him to come down like a hardass sometimes, but I really did NOT want to go to the grocery store. Yeah, I know I can't be so fucking choosey, but I didn't want to, and I wanted him to see that.

And he did not. Or he did and he just didn't give a damn. Either way, I lost.

But it was one of those lack of patience days. And when he said that I needed to get up and go now and that I was pissing him off, it made me SO. MAD. I was seething. I was wasting HIS time? I was the one going out to do this bullshit errand that I didn't want to do in the first place. God. Damn. It!

So, I shouldn't have just stormed off, but he was making me go to the store and buy food that I had no plan for and come home and cook for someone that might not turn up for hours. But I did storm off. And I feel a little bit bad. I really do like to please him. I feel failure so much more poignantly than success. He couldn't be patient and tell me in a nice way to go and do it...I mean, maybe he did, but it didn't work. My fault, I know.

But I WANT all that sub stuff right now. I am so wet for it. I want, I want, I want. And so I am not always as good as I know I should be. I mean, I wouldn't wreck the big stuff, but I kinda wish that there was some middle ground between "Come on, be a good girl for Daddy" and "Fuck off, you're pissing me off."

I just want to be spanked. Is that so much to ask?

I just want to be punished and tortured and humiliated. I just want to be fucked and choked and bound and beaten, have cum sprayed across my thighs, my ass, kneel to be pissed on, locked in a cage, pushed into a corner, have my mouth washed out, have my clothing shredded, my hair pulled, my face slapped.

I want, Daddy. Now...how to get it?

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